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Dealing with myself…

April 3, 2013

As expected, I’ve had a wide range of emotions since my first hospital visit. First was shock – shock that I even had anything that could be or develop into cancer.

Next came a kind of grief – grief at the thought of part of my body being cut away from me. I like my body, am generally happy with it,  and have always tried to treat it well. So thinking of have some part of it removed feels like having the loss of a good friend. Sounds weird? Maybe. But that’s just how it is.

Then came anger…anger at being in a situation where any of that could happen. Anger and not being able to control it or do anything about it if that’s what’s required to save my life in the future. I feel like it’s something potentially being thrust on me with little room for escape – have your breast remove or you could die in a few years – that’s what it boils down to. And of course that would be the sensible and logical decision to take. But ‘sensible’ and ‘logical’ doesn’t stop me from feeling anger and, to some degree, resentment at having to do something I really don’t want to, even though I know it’s the right thing to do.

Now, I think I just feel tired – tired of the emotions, tired of everything happening at once (there are other pressures in my life going on at the same time…). I think I need to cut myself some slack, not push myself so hard to do everything, and enjoy what I have a bit more. I have to deal with myself…

 

 

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From → Thoughts

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